You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
How dramatic are you?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it