tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.