My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
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I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.