@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay? me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he's seen the remote
@BitchyJasmine: Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
@MavenofHonor: Seems like I can't even sit on a park bench anymore without someone's henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
@ThRealBallsDeep: <at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.