@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
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@AdderallMomma: My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.
@QwertyJones3: [car dealership] "Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?" *Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS* "Oh."
@JimCarrey: Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)