@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
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@hunz74: I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.
@darkmatter_wimp: At the club, a 6'1" girl was crying in my lap. I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe. Win-win.
@jonnysun: job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre "dress for the job u want, right?" then just stare at them
@simoncholland: And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.