My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
That’s not how days work.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa