You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational