@Donna_McCoy: You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: *tells joke* WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school [later] ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
@TheCiscoKidder: Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line. Me: That's because I haven't had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
@Sassafrantz: My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.
@davidkenny100: American: I was just at a shotgun wedding Me: How far pregnant was the bride? American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant