You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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Genius idea!!
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting