@UnderTheJewFro: You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
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@inSanelySami: Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
@JLazySAngus: Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
@Contwixt: If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.