You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.