You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You Might Also Like
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.