You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*