You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
consequences, the bane of my existence
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
After 35, your body ages in dog years
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40