@Crunk_Jews: You can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to do during conjugal visits.
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@CorkyKneivel: Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders. And none of them ever call me again.
@tastefactory: My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we're in this big fight.
@dinokitten: Dad: Why do you smell like weed? Me: How do you know what weed smells like?! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(