The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
#SuperBowl
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex