You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
You Might Also Like
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
What?!?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
hi why am I like this
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
everyone has that one prude friend
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda