“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
You Might Also Like
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.