My first child will be named New Folder.
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.