@lilgapeach32: You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.
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@mommy_cusses: Me: Whatcha doin'? 5: Whatcha doin'? Me: Are you copying me? 5: Are you copying me? Me: I'm adopted 5: I'm adop- WHAT?
@BareChesty: I just found out I passed my drug test.... Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
@audipenny: *carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
@Brianhopecomedy: Ugh, I may have lost my "World's Best Dad" keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don't know where she went.