Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.