Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*puts cutlery down*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.