@Sean_Burgundy_: You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer
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@Crunk_Jews: People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.
@FirstDateStory: "Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me"
@simoncholland: [5:45 AM] Daughter: "Daddy can you make me breakfast?" Me: "Can you not reach your Halloween candy?"