ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Why is this me 😫
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”