You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird