You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute