You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext