You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
no regrets
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?