You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
i think we should see other cousins
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Dietest Coke
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days