You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
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“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Print is alive and well!!!
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The Friday File.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
🤣🤣🤣
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…