Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
You Might Also Like
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Welcome to the stomach
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused