You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Practicing safe sax
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex