You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal