I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I hate my earbuds.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
what are they serving at kfc then???
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.