you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill