you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Straight people are cancelled
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool