You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Put this video in the Louvre
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)