@mstern68: You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners'
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@Snarfernini: If you ever say 'I seen' in a sentence. I will never sleep with you. Under any circumstances. Ever.* *including zombie apocalypse
@Tommytoughstuff: [job interview] "Under skill it says nicknames?" "You know it Sex Dragon." "Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?"
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Your word is 'impossible' "Oh, well I guess no point in trying" *walks off stage*
@causticbob: Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street. Drunk people still think there's a sniper somewhere.