You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.