“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work