@walruslifestyle: you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I've tried
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@Eatingmeals: The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
@KateWhineHall: Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
@Brampersandon_: BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death* ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*
@BuckyIsotope: WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened? ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea