You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee