You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
A friend sent me this.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
live long and prosper!
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer