You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
#Caturday
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright