YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Social distancing in Australia:
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: