YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The news is so predictable nowadays
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
May have had one breakfast too many
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.