If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
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Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.