“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
One of the best
Bloody internet 😳
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.