YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Sorry not sorry.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd