YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.