You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?