You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.