You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
When I pack too much for a short trip.
thank god the sign was there
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo