You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
You Might Also Like
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Not all heroes wear capes….
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.